Hey you.
YOU; the one who is either avoiding social media altogether today or scrolling and hurting from all the Happy Father’s Day posts on your newsfeed. The one who doesn’t have a biological father to look up to or feel loved by. The one whose had to forgive yourself many times for allowing yourself to be affected by the actions of a man who has little space to care for you the way you’ve required throughout your life. The one who has been made to feel unloved, unworthy AND misguided.
With so many cards and gifts and ads all about the “#1 dad in your life!” I, too, can’t help but naturally feel a deep empty hole inside of myself. Do you feel it today? Do you feel like the whole world is consciously screaming about their dads today while subconsciously your mind is just repeating the relentless memories or absence of memories you hold of your “dad,” reminding you how alone you are today?
If this is you, I’m here to remind you that you are NOT alone today. I am right here with you. I am in a similar place as you. Deep within our bodies, where a little girl lives who longs to be picked up by her daddy, told she’s beautiful, worthy and more than enough. A little girl who wishes to feel secure, seen, and heard by someone she knows so little about, yet, looks so much alike. A little girl who is now a woman. A woman who looks in the mirror everyday to see a strange mans features in her appearance. I understand that even though your father is not present, he is with you everyday and this can be so utterly exhausting... if we make it.
If you’re like me, you’ve spent many years trying to prove to yourself that your worthy, enough, beautiful, loved, etc by attempting to fill this void that your father left behind. You’ve done things you aren’t proud of; you’ve had your share of meaningless relationships, self-ridicule and self-blame. But if you’re one of the lucky ones, the ones who choose to find the light in everything, you’ve also realized that there is not a single external relationship or situation that can or will fill this void. If you’re one of these lucky ones, like myself, you’ve awakened to the deeper fact that the only one who can fill this void is you, your authentic being. And that is exactly what you are, have been, and will continue to do for as long as you are alive.
I agree that it is completely messed up that a complete stranger (or if you had an in and out dad like mine —a superficial parent) can fuck you up in the weirdest, most painful ways without even being around. It’s annoying to recognize that your father is just a strange man living his life the only way he sees possible and that you are not the center of this life he lives. It’s even more frustrating, if you’re like me, and your dad calls another little girl his daughter.. or 2 little girls his daughters and treats them the way you’ve longed to be treated by him.
Whatever your parental situation is, parents can be a very complicated and frustrating relationship (or absence of relationship) to have throughout our lives and it can be so confusing at times thinking about how someone who isn’t present in your life still grows with you and changes your person by the years.
You see, the part of me that has healed from this trauma in my life has grown to see the positives in my father’s absence. The brightest light at the end of that tunnel was realizing that in absence, there is space.
That’s right ladies! Our father’s, even the ones who ROYALLY suck, have given us a very special gift. They have blessed us with the gift of space —space to create whatever-the-fuck-we-want in order to manage this absence.
We are strong, independent, courageous women because of this absence; this space. We have learned how to be resilient, strong-minded and the good kind of selfish. We learned early on how to hold ourselves up and how to be humble and let others help us. We learned early what kind of men we do and don’t want in our lives. We’ve built ourselves a suit of armor over the years to keep us from ever getting too low. We were born into fear, hate, shame, self-pity, victimization, and guilt, and from this we blossomed with courage, love, pride, self-esteem, survival, and innocence.
Happy Father’s Day to YOU, because you are that little girls daddy. I never needed a sperm donor to hold me, I needed me. Just like you need you. So on this Father’s Day, do everything for you that you’ve always wished your father did for you. Now, obviously you can’t pick yourself up but you can give yourself similar feelings of love, security and support.
As for me today, I went to the gym this morning to remind my body how much I love it for being with me my whole life, for never giving up on me and for always supporting me and making my self feel secure. I showed lots of pride and encouragement for my person when surpassing my weights and cardio goals. After that, I showered and gave extra attention to my hair for always keeping me warm and showing me how to be humble, courageous and daring. Currently laying in bed with some green tea and a pretty dress on showing some love and support to these writing skills and my creative brain as well as my emotional brain. Who knows what I’ll do next with my day but what I do know is, today I don’t require a dad, I require me and that is exactly who I’m celebrating with today ❤️
I hope you all continue to love yourself today and everyday the way your require and the way you deserve. Even if you spent the day crying today, I’ve been there, I get it, but what I didn’t get then was how important it was to not be mad at myself for being sad. It’s okay to be sad, it’s not okay to beat yourself up. So spend today crying but take care of yourself, otherwise, not only do you have an absent dad, but you’ll have walked out on you too. Stay here, be with that little girl in you today. Let her come out and feel. It might be scary or uncomfortable but it’s okay. Don’t be a coward like your father was/is. Because YOU deserve your love more than he ever did, don’t let him take you with him.
Today is just a day to take yourself further. Further than you’ve been. Further into this space. Further to the expansion of your authentic self. So to all of you who resonate with any part of this post —Happy Further Day ❤️✨ May you expand and fall deeper into cosmic love and peace.
Until next time,
The Cope Dealer 🧠
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