I remember the first time someone told me to love myself, it was my therapist, and I’m most definitely sure I was looking at him like he was saying something I was already fully aware of, like he was the crazy one. Looking back, I would’ve told myself to pipe down and stop assuming I have it all figured out because I didn’t, not even a little. I mean, I spent 24 years of my life with myself, how could I not love myself?
He asked me to tell him the answer to the question, “who are you?” I made descriptions like, “I’m Chelsea, I have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and I’m a student in college.” I remember him saying, “have you ever been called anything other than Chelsea?” My answer was obviously yes, I’ve been called so many things; Chels, Sophie, Sophia, Poopsie, Khan, and I spare you the rest of my high school/college-age nicknames, they don’t sound as cool as they once did. 🤦🏻♀️ He then continued to challenge my questions, “has your hair ever been another color? How about your eyes? How long have you been a college student? Have you ever held a different title?” He was making a lot of sense but I was more confused than I was when he initially told me to love myself. He was right, my hair was black when I was born, I’ve dyed it a bunch of times, everyone’s eyes are blue when they’re born so mine weren’t hazel at one point, and I’ve only been a college student for the past few years. I thought what was he trying to get at?
He explained, “if your physical aspects are not who you are, then, who are you?” I thought about it for a little bit, and decided that I must be my twin brother sister, my moms daughter, my sisters sister, my dads daughter, etc. because realistically, that would never change. But then he made the point that if I chose to never see one of my family members again, or if one of them passed on to the next dimension then I wouldn’t introduce myself to someone in that sense. Yeah I would still technically be their relative, but is that really who I am, a member of someone?
He really had me thinking at this point. I realized I had no idea who I was aside from my features, my family and my career/education. I couldn’t help but think, if I eliminated all of these things, what would really be left? This made me really sad when my therapist reminded me that it would be ME who was left. I started to realize what he meant. I realized I spent most of my life tending to everyone else, I worried ABOUT others, I worried FOR others, but I never took the time to actually worry about me and worry for myself. I saw what he was saying but I was not even close to having the space to begin to fully comprehend what exactly it was that I would have to do to love myself.
It has been 3 years since this conversation and I have mastered the thought process behind the art of loving myself. After all, we are all just experienced masters of our lives. No one REALLY has it ALL figured out. Each one of us has a small piece of this jigsaw puzzle we call life figured out, and I’m understanding more and more everyday why it is so important to figure out our own portions of this puzzle so we can connect our portions to one another so we can all see the bigger picture.
I created The Cope Dealer as a way for me to be transparent with everyone in my life, and to share what I am learning while I figure out my portion of this crazy puzzle. To cope is to deal with something that is difficult, effectively. In life, nothing is too difficult to deal with. I’m becoming aware that the only difficult moments in life are the ones our minds accept as difficult. Anything, can be thought out and processed as easy if we just allow ourselves the space to do so. We are all susceptible to pain, discomfort, dis-ease and negative thought processes naturally. Humans experience trauma on so many different levels because when something happens we don’t expect, we are forced to deal with emotions we’ve never dealt with and process thoughts differently than we ever have before. It’s okay to be transparent, it’s okay to have highs and lows, good feelings and bad feelings, and what’s even more important than allowing myself to feel the good and the bad is, giving myself space to get from the bad to the good.
I’ve spent so many of my adolescent years accepting my automatic thoughts and feelings just so I could be there for others, and show up for the world around me, mainly because my ego wanted attention and I wanted to be the “hero.” I couldn’t see that I wasn’t giving myself the space I needed to cross through my automatic thoughts by processing logical thinking and allowing myself to feel better. Instead, I would accept anger for what it was thinking I deserved to be angry or something and when I felt sad, I never cared about myself enough to allow myself to process the sadness and get back to feeling good. Instead I’d let a situation provoke me into feeling sad or angry or jealous or whatever the feeling was and I’d go out into my world and let myself react to these feelings. I’d punch walls, I’d go get tattoos just to feel pain, I’d cut myself, I’d say horrible things about myself and my abilities and self-worth, I’d hang around with people who were not good to me, I’d do things that i knew weren't healthy for me, you name it. I did far worse things to myself than anyone has ever done to me and I blamed other people for “causing me pain and turmoil” when all along, I was only causing it for myself by reacting poorly. I allowed others actions to become my focus and instead of reacting to my emotions and tending to myself to process how I was feeling, I focused on the action and the person in front of me and let their actions control mine.
Learning to have control over myself and learning to love myself unconditionally, has not been an easy road but it has been the most worthwhile practice I have ever incorporated into my daily life.
Looking forward to this journey and connecting with all the other portions of this forever expanding puzzle. ✨
Stay light my friends 🍃
🖤 The Cope Dealer
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