When I was a little girl, I use to always say, “I don’t believe in God, I don’t need anyone but myself –I believe in ME.” For most of my life, I use to think this was pretty ignorant and vain of me to say. I think I felt this way because both of my parents were religious, one was a devoted Muslim who believed in Allah, and the other was a faithful Catholic who believed in God. To be honest, religion was a really weird part of my life. I feared God because my father taught me to, but the teachings of God made me feel comfortable because of the faith behind both of my parents. My Dad would tell me stories of Profit Muhammed (peace be upon him) when we would travel to new places that comforted me when I was afraid of new experiences. My mother’s side of the family celebrated Catholic holidays where my family would come together, enjoy food, love and connect with one another. Yet, I wouldn’t allow myself to believe in something that I could not see, something that, in my eyes, was not real. My parents were also “old” in my eyes and not hip like the people my age so I thought it was silly for me to believe in the things they did. From a really young age, I always saw myself as being different than my parents. I’m not sure why but it was like I knew there wasn’t just one life to be lived and that no matter what my parents wanted me to do, I wasn’t going to do it until I explored other ways first. Sounds like teenage rebellion really, so I’m sure it makes perfect sense to any parent reading this ha ha. So when my parents (mostly my Dad) wanted me to believe in God and pray and fast and do all these things for religious purposes, I didn’t want to. I did it because he was my dad and I’ve seen him get mad and disappointed and I wasn’t about to be on the other end of that. So when I was with him, I prayed five times a day, I didn’t eat pork, and I said things I didn’t believe in nor understand at the time. Looking back, I realize I began to resent the idea of God altogether because I forced myself to do something I didn’t really understand and something I was not ready for.
I went through a phase in middle school where I was obsessed with Tupac Shakur. It was probably unhealthy and there’s probably a few pictures of me next to a poster of his floating around somewhere on MySpace where I was probably wearing tight jeans with no back pockets (ha ha). I remember getting Tupac’s, “Only God Can Judge Me” autobiography book. I remember this sparking some interest in me to learn more about God but really it just sparked the thought that I was God and this, my friends, is not the phase you want to be stuck in ha. This is the phase where I thought I was invincible, in constant competition with everyone, and overall thought I was better than others. I never had time, never had patience, and I put myself in the middle of things that had no place for me. I spent a lot of time living outside of myself, wanting to be noticed, liked, cared about, and attached to. I saw love where love wasn’t present, and I gravitated towards things that slowed me down and prevented me from inner peace and happiness. The only time I ever tried connecting with a God at this time was in the shower, crying, asking for something I thought I didn’t have at the time.
After high school I went through a breakup that I let shatter me. I became really hateful towards myself. I spent months crying and isolating myself then got to the angry phase of the breakup and said fuck you to everyone and everything. I’d get tattoos when I was mad or upset (which I don’t regret and highly recommend for coping if you’re over the age of 18 and don’t want to let yourself heal) in places that weren’t visible to the average person. I’d punch things, treat anyone I dated during that time like shit, I was disrespectful to women, and I had no respect for myself. Anything I did during that time was to make sure I didn’t reach sadness again. I was angry, and I wanted to stay there because the pain and sadness I created in my head and in my life after the breakup was too overwhelming to deal with.
A woman who was friends with my ex’s family became a good friend of mine at the time. I began working at her Dad’s juice bar and she knew a bit about what I was going through at the time. She invited me to go to church with her and since I was at the point where I got sick of being sad and tired of being angry, and she was very comforting at the time, I figured –why not? To be honest, I think she was mainly comforting in a more “revengeful” way. I knew she was friends with my ex’s family so in my head I believed it would make my ex jealous. I’m not sure if it ever worked on her end but it didn’t matter because the whole situation ended up working out for me and I no longer cared what she thought.
I was hesitant to go to church because I had this preconceived notion that it was a really strict and judgmental environment. I hadn’t realized it then, but as I write this, I think the reason I had this notion was because of my father and mother’s religions. They were very strict in their teachings and the way one presents themselves in a place of worship (i.e., mosque’s, cathedrals, etc..). We pulled into the church and it wasn’t what I was expecting; we were parked in front of a movie theater. Long story short, the priest had tattoos from head to toe, long shaggy hair, and his wife had tattoos and piercings all over. There were people wearing sweatpants, tank tops, shorts, all different kinds of clothes. Kids had their separate theater to run freely or to enter to gospel if they wish. It was really comforting to know that they accepted everyone without judgement and allowed people to feel free and comfortable during their attendance. Especially because of my family’s religious backgrounds and my own sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is a whole other story, but it was a huge reason why I refrained from religion during my late teens.
After going to church a few times, the same woman who introduced me to the church invited me to a bible study at a friend’s house. I won’t lie and say I was thrilled about this because I wasn’t but going out and being pissed off and laying around crying all day did not seem like better options. When I got there, it was really much like a regular party, only, no one was drunk and there wasn’t loud music blaring. Instead, people were talking with one another, and there was a bunch of other non-alcoholic drinks and food scattered in the kitchen. Everyone was very welcoming and as the newcomer I felt like the center of attention, not in an overwhelming way, but more like I was a family member whose been away from home for the summer kind of way.
After socializing for a while, we grouped in the living room where we had “bible study.” I was nervous because I knew nothing about God, or at least, I didn’t know anything about their “God.” They handed out a booklet with questions and played a short movie. I honestly do not remember what the movie was about but I’m pretty sure it was a documentary of some sort. The first half of the book were questions on the movie, and to be honest, I didn’t fill out more than three of the answers. The second half of the book was homework and questions to ask ourselves individually. As I was sitting there, I realized it wasn’t the movie or the questions that mattered, it was the connection and company around me, it was the courage I built to even go to something like that, it was the fact that while I was there, the sadness was gone because my focus was elsewhere.
Looking back I see that this was the moment I realized I kind of was God in a sense. Maybe not in the sense that Kanye West thinks he is God but more like God is within me, therefor I am God. I see now that the little girl version of me was right. Since that moment, I’ve studied many other religions, I’ve partaken in a few different kinds of worship and I have made the gestures to understand the faith of others around me as I continue to do so. It is not that I don’t believe in the beliefs within the church or a mosque or a temple, or wherever. Rather, I’ve found a piece of my faith in all the teachings and religions I have experienced and studied. For example, in Muslim religion, judgement day is very real to those who practice and many of them fear this day for the sins they have caused while on this planet. Although I understand why they believe this and I accept it as their way of faith, I can not accept it as my own faith because if I do, I will live in fear my whole life and will always do things from a fearful place. Now this may not be the same for you or those who practice Muslim religion however, in order for me to be my higher self, I need to believe that my higher power is non-judgmental and forgiving because I am aware that I make mistakes. This allows me to forgive myself more and be less judgmental towards myself as well. However, my faith doesn’t have to be explained. I won’t label it, I will not attempt to explain it to you, or the next person –I won’t even try to explain my faith to my own children. What I will say though is that, I believe there is a God in each one of us. A God that is worth finding and connecting with. My higher power does not have to make sense to you just like your higher power doesn’t have to make sense to me.
So if you view your higher power the way I do, this “higher power” mumbo-jumbo is basically just the highest version of oneself reflecting back at you. The image of a “divine power” that accepts you fully in all your glory, good and bad, and guides you to be your highest/best self –the person we are all meant to be.
If you think it is okay for your Higher Power to judge you, criticize you, or to determine the worth of your life, then is this really a Higher Power at all? There is enough people here on this earth to criticize you, judge you, and who try to determine your worth or try to bring you down; your higher power shouldn’t be one of them. There’s a reason it is referred to as a “higher” POWER. If you’re still trying to connect with a higher power, how do you feel your best? What makes you feel good? What motivates you? What stops you from suffering? What makes you feel alive? What limits and restrictions do you live your life in, if any at all? Who are you when you are at your best and how do you get there?
Your answers to all these questions are pieces of your higher power. Take more time to open yourself up to YOU and your higher power will eventually reveal itself. Fill your life with distractions and external objects and people and you will only be drowning out the callings of your highest self and power. Silence is a practice I strive for daily –it is not easy to be in silence with the normal rush and whistle of modern life but solitude is where I connect most with my higher power and reflect most on my higher self.
Asking questions and embracing silence is my number one cure to an overwhelmed and tired life. Do you feel the same?
Until next time,
🧠 The Cope Dealer
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