It’s not easy being an empathetic person in todays world. It’s even more difficult to be someone who is universally an understanding and relative person among a race of people who constantly think the next person is judging them. I’m beginning to think that most people, including myself, don’t realize that they’re mentally judging themselves from a third person position. I suppose the struggle of this must be the drive for deeper enlightening practice but it often feels like I’m combating other people’s thoughts about themselves —thoughts I’m not even having. I guess I just haven’t learned the best way to approach this yet, or maybe I have and I just don’t realize it.
I’m human though. I have these thoughts about myself too, so I get it. The ones where you assume others are thinking the worst of you, not even realizing that the next person probably doesn’t even know the worst in you. Maybe this is my retrospection that’ll water all of the gardens of whoever else puts themselves through this sort of negative thinking, like a recovered alcoholic working step twelve in AA.
Why do we judge ourselves so hard? What is it that I assume another person knows about me that would cause them to look at me with such poor insight? Do they even know me like that? Probably not and if they do, why am I assuming they’re thinking negatively of me?
I spent a good portion of my adolescent years thinking people could see how weak I was, how scared and little I felt deep inside. Superficially though, I was tough as nails and wouldn’t let anyone tell me or prove me otherwise. On the outside, I appeared like I always knew exactly what I was doing and like I had it all together. Truthfully though, it’s was real fucking tiring pretending that the doubt train and worry fest weren’t playing a symphony of negativity in my head.
I have my ego to thank for this though. Have you ever been on your way home from a night out with friends where you were the DD and one of your drunk friends decides they wanna try and get you to let them drive? I feel like most of us have experienced something like this, and if you haven’t, consider yourself as having dodged a bullet because it’s really fucking annoying. That drunk friend represents the ego, or at least it does mine. My ego likes to react and jump in the drivers seat when something happens. My ego is selfish and just wants a show never realizing its putting me in a bad position.
I’ve learned that my ego is the part of me that is constantly trying to put thoughts in other people’s heads like I was talking about earlier. I’m beginning to think it’s like my drunk friend wants to rent out space in other people’s heads. Like it wants to be in control of other people’s thoughts not realizing that’s impossible. As I write this, I’m becoming more aware of the deeper reason for control. The desire to control others thoughts so they can’t think negatively about me. Which makes sense why I struggle to be conscious about the fact that I’m just shitting on myself and projecting it into the minds or mouths of other people. But in a situation like this, aren’t I the only one thinking these thoughts about myself? So the true message must be that I must learn to be more gentle, kinder and accepting of myself. It’s me who doesn’t accept me in these moments, it’s not the person in front of me, no matter who is in front of me. Even if they were thinking negatively of me, have they said anything to make me think they’re having these thoughts? Probably not, so clearly I am the one forming these thoughts. And clearly I’m the one who must find the root of these belief systems I have about myself and shed them. Because I don’t know about you but I’m fucking awesome. And I lied, you’re awesome too. We both are. So why do we think so negatively about ourselves in these moments?
It’s silly to be a human who foolishly thinks we can control others and their minds when we can’t even 100% figure out what’s going on in our own minds 💁🏻♀️😂
A little mantra I created for myself that may be beneficial to you if you can relate to some of what I said above:
I vow to stop trying to control the thoughts of others. I vow to dig within myself, all the negative belief systems I have about myself, scoop em’ out and change them to allow space for a gentler, kinder and more accepted version of me. I have lived many lives but I am not the one who lived them, I am the one who observed them. I will learn to accept the versions of me that I have been. I will accept that at all times in my life, I did and said what I felt necessary with the knowledge and awareness I had in said moments. If I had the knowledge and awareness to act or speak differently, I would have. I accept me and the choices I have made in my life and I trust in myself to expand and continue to grow in a positive direction.
Last question to ponder on; I wonder what would happen if we all just started thinking the best of ourselves and started projecting that into other people’s heads 🤔
🧠 The Cope Dealer
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